My Steps Are Guided

Another month, more changes.

Last month, I started talking to a guy named Kenny who went to India over New Year's.  I had already heard that the guys had been coming to the US at this point, but I didn't know where.  As it turns out, they are coming to his church.  He invited me to come out and see them while they were there.  In fact, he and his family have 'adopted' Sunil and they have been making plans for him to stay at their house.  Talk about stumbling into that one.  He also gave me the contact info for the guy who is arranging their entire trip, Michael.  I sent him a message on FB asking if the guys could come to my church, but I didn't hear back from him by the time I posted my last blog.

A few weeks later, he got back to me.  He told me that e-mails were a better way to reach him.  He was excited about the idea of having the kids come to my church.  And then he gave me a heart attack:

 "If you come in June, some of the boys will not be there because of the music trip. You can maybe come back with us, but it won't be till August."

 Here I am, working out the budget plans and deadlines for my bracelets, my parents had just left that morning for the Philippines and I had just given out the last of my support letters a few days before.  I was watching every single plan I had just made fly out the window.  It sounded as though they weren't too happy with the idea of me coming in August since the guys would be in school again, so I might have to go in May.  As in, less than 2 months from that current date.  I shot off an e-mail asking if I should come in May or August, fully knowing that they wouldn't get back to me for 3 weeks.  If they wanted me to come in May, I knew this was going to look like a train wreck unless I acted right then.  This would mean that I would have to get my passport in the mail to have it renewed approximately . . . last week, I should buy my plane ticket . . . sometime last month and I needed to send out my support letters . . . 2 months ago.  The problems kept compounding when I realized that I didn't have the funds for a plane ticket and I would need to buy my ticket the second they came in . . . but the guys in India might not have bought their plane tickets by that point, so I essentially would be guessing on my return date.  And how in the WORLD was I going to make 60 bracelets and 20 necklaces in the next month and a half?  Oh, bad.

As it turned out, the panic was unnecessary.  Michael went around and talked to both Sharmila and Deveraj and said that it would probably be better for me to come in August so the guys would have enough free time to tell their stories for my book.  Coming in May would mean that they would be busy preparing for the trip and might not have the time.  Crisis averted.  I told him that I could wait until August if I didn't jump out of my skin first.  This does mean that I will be in country when my friend Heather goes to France on a mission trip, I can see the Olympics, and I can go to camp with my kids.  And I'll be in India over my birthday.  Sounds OK to me.


Last weekend, I went with my students to Great Wolf Lodge for our denomination's regional youth retreat.  They do this every year, and every year I have been torn over banging on Heaven's door for my kids or for myself.  Going to camp and the retreat always reminded me that I wasn't doing what I had been preparing for in my life.  I would get so frustrated!  I felt like I couldn't possibly minister to kids when my life felt like it was going nowhere and falling apart at the same time.

I noticed something completely different this time around.  I wasn't feeling like I was thrashing around, begging God for some guidance other than 'You are in a desert season of life'.  Because I wasn't so self focused, I could actually pray for my kids when they needed it.  And the surprising thing was, they did need it.  I wondered what in the world I had been missing all those times when I wanted to go up and talk to a leader about my life rather than be the leader the kids could come to talk about theirs.  Thank you, God . . . India may not be the endpoint in my life, but Good Lord, it's something.

I did start to notice a new kind of problem:  I've gone so long without a passion or calling in my life that I don't really know what the heck to do with myself now that I do.  I don't know what's normal.  I have been so committed to this trip and this project that I think about it all the time.  I began to realize that it's really hard to want things and to have dreams because there is a very real risk that they won't happen.  If I were unable to go to India for some reason, it would be a very bad thing.  I would probably need therapy to not be horribly angry with God.  Is it ever OK to care about something that much?  This is an important question that I am continuing to weigh out.

I did ask for some prayer after explaining the whole thing.  While Lesli, the regional director was praying for me, she gave me a word: "God has ordered your steps for this trip, and he will continue to do so."  The only response I can have is to faithfully continue on.